Friday, May 9, 2014

Reflections and life changing moments

My emotions have been quite and up and down over the past few months, but it seems like, to me anyway, that since my mom died on March 31st, I have totally lost my mind. I can admit that I haven't acted like myself. It's not just that I am sad, because I am, but I feel lost and confused. My mom and I had our ups and downs over the years but she has always been my strongest support and toughest critic, and the one who loved me despite everything I put her through over the years. To say I miss her is an understatement. I should have called more. Should have gone to Texas to see her one more time. Should have done a lot of things, but I didn't, and now I can't and it has been eating me up inside. I am not perfect...but these days I feel those imperfections are stronger than ever. I want to talk to her...and I can't. I want to hear her raspy voice tell me she loves me. Instead, I spent the afternoon Wednesday, outside with the dogs. I grabbed my new journal and a pen and sat down under the shade of a tree and watched the dogs play. I wrote letters...letters I will never send. Letters of healing and forgiveness and I said everything I needed to say, and even the things I didn't need to say, or couldn't say. I dug deep into my soul and searched for the words that would help me...help me forgive MYSELF because until I do that, I know that I can never move forward and find happiness. In the midst of all of this, I found I was sick...colitis. I have always had a sensitive stomach, but for weeks it was far more troublesome than I ever wanted to admit. Finally a week ago, my body couldn't take it anymore. I do not get sick often...and considering the poor diet I have, and lack of exercise, I am amazed at how healthy I have been. But not now. The IBS attacks I used to get years ago were bad, but this was something different and after tests and a couple of visits to different doctors, they tell me I have colitis. I sat in the doctors office in tears....from pain and from my emotions and was given medication to not only help my physical health, but also my mental health. I can honestly say, a week later, I feel more like myself again. My stomach is still not back to normal, and of course I will always miss my mom, but I feel like I am better able to cope with everything again, and that makes me a better person in every way. I still look in the mirror and see sadness...but the mere mention of my mother doesn't start me crying. I am not jumping down everyone's throat, and I am sleeping better. Writing in my journal helps as well, but its mostly a paper journal where no one can read my thoughts and offer an opinion that I am not ready to hear. Feedback is good, but I know the only approval I need at the moment is my own. Through all of this, my self esteem hit rock bottom. I have a lot to work one. I give myself daily tasks to do, whether it be to make a list of the things I am thankful for, to trying a new food. Something...anything that can help me improve myself. I've managed to do one thing that I never thought I could....because pop irritated my stomach, I was forced to give it up/cut way back. I tried before with little like but there is nothing like a good hard kick in the pants to help you do it. It's been a week, and instead of a 20 oz pop a day everyday, I have had maybe 20oz in a week. Go me. I feel better. Drinking more water, and I KNOW I CAN DO THIS. Mother's Day is approaching....and I had a wonderful mother. She was definitely not perfect, and at times she would do or say things that made me cringe, but I love her, and I miss her. I bought Mothers Day cards the other day, and wound up crying for an hour...I bought too many cards and it really upset me. But the good cry did me a load of good and I have felt really good ever since. My journey is far from complete, but I know now what I must do. Baby steps...and taking one day at a time. I will get there. I will be stronger than ever, and I will find the happiness I once had. I know I can do this. I am strong...I am my mother's daughter and I will not be defeated.