Sunday, November 22, 2015

50...the fresh start

I'm 50 today....how the hell did that happen? I had a mini meltdown at one point because I was really missing my mom. The realization that she wouldn't be calling to wish me a happy birthday or share some story from my childhood overwhelmed me and I had a good long cry in the shower.

The day improved of course, but she was on my mind heavily.  

I have had a crazy year....I had a hard time earlier in the year and handled things wrong. I wasn't myself and I made some bad choices which, unfortunately cost me some people I cared about who are no longer in my life.  Our actions have  consequences and while I cannot change the things that happened,  I can move forward and learn from those choices.  I may never again have contact with the people I hurt and pushed away but I can hope they in time will forgive me.  Grief affects us in many ways and sometimes it's just there...a shadow in an otherwise beautiful day and sometimes it's like a fog that consumes you and makes it impossible to see clearly.

Having someone to talk to has really helped.  Maybe I should have done it sooner.  That is something I will never know but at least I started talking and then listening....not just to others but to myself  and I feel like I am on the right path.

I know they will probably never see this but if they do, I just want to say I am sorry.  I truly am.