Thursday, July 24, 2014

After the darkness comes the light

Back in May, I wrote about how I was struggling with things and honestly I wish I could say things were better.  In some ways, yes, but in other ways no.

So many positive changes are happening in the world around me.  My daughter has a fabulous new job at a local hospital and will soon be able to leave the Nursing Home she works in.  She loves her job, and loves working with the elderly but there are internal issues with the way the facility is run that brings her down so this new job is just what she needs. I am so proud of her, and my son.  I spent a few hours with my son yesterday and we were talking about change and maturity and I can sit here now and say that he has overcome all the setbacks he had in his life and grown into quite a wonderful young man.  He is 21 but is far wiser than his years.   He has taken control of his life and is on the right track.  He has yet to decide for sure what he wants to do with his life, but he's making great strides at pursuing goals of working in the culinary arts.  I am so proud of both my  children.

I am the spouse of a retired military man who has PTSD.  It is not something we broadcast but we have lived with it for a few years. PTSD has changed him, and it has changed us.  He is not the man i married 28 years ago, and he will never be that man again.  I am trying to deal with this and accept it and move forward, because it is very hard to see someone you love so much deal with this.    I have found some support that will help me, I think.

I have not been reading as much. I just cannot stay focused enough on a book to do it.   I need to get back to it though.  Every year I have a goal to read 50 books, and I am lagging way behind.

I miss my mom each and every day.  There are changes back at home, that I do not necessarily like but I am trying to accept.  I understand them...but I am not ready for them. I have feelings of loss, confusion and betrayal and I need to sort through them in order to move ahead,

And today, I wrote one of the hardest letters in my life.  A letter to someone who is very special to me, saying goodbye and I am sorry for all the hurt I caused them.  This person always told me when I was wrong...was there for me during some dark and lonely times but somewhere along the line, I made choices that hurt them. The choices were not made from a bad place or with the intent to hurt, but they hurt and I have to let them go. My heart hurts...and I feel like I am grieving yet again.

And another health scare..2 hours in the ER and an EKG last week because of pain/numbness/heaviness in my left arm.  The pain started in my neck, like a muscle strain..but the pain radiated down my left arm and shoulder.  When I tried to schedule an appointment to see my doctor, they sent me to the ER to make sure I was not having a heart attack.  Good news..I do have a heart, and it is operating just fine. Is there a machine that can tell you that your heart is broken?

I feel lost..and alone and I don't know what to do.  I put a smile on my face for work, and for my family but I know they can see right through me.  I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel..searching for the way, and praying for guidance.